Four years ago I wrote an article entitled Confessions of a Free Church Minister in which we looked at the besetting sins of many of us in the ministry.  (The whole text can be read at http://www.freechurch.org/issues/2003/june03.htm).  Having just reread it I want to reaffirm every word of it.  What was said then still applies today.   But now I want to redress the balance by making another kind of confession – one that might help explain why the Free Church is in my view heading for a considerable ministerial crisis and thus a crisis for all within the denomination.

I have been a Free Church minister for 21 years.  In recent times I have noticed that there has been an increase in the number of men dropping out of the Free Church ministry.  There are numerous reasons for this; perhaps some should have never been in the first place, others have had spiritual struggles, some have changed their doctrinal position, still others have had ‘moral’ difficulties and others have resigned because of ill health.  Last year at one point we had 10% of our ministry off with ill health, much of it stress induced.   I have former colleagues who are now teachers, unemployed, Church of Scotland ministers, Free Presbyterian ministers, gone overseas or in various other forms of employment.  

The situation is getting worse because we are now getting people dropping out before they even become ministers.  I know of two of the current crop of Free Church students who no longer intend to apply for license.  These are men we have trained at our own expense and who will end up ministering elsewhere, when there is a severe shortage of ministers in the Free Church.  We are also having enormous difficulty in getting men into our college at all.  At the moment there are zero students accepted for the Free Church ministry and entry for the College this year.    Why?  Some young men I have spoken to are keen on the ministry but are not so sure about the training they will get in the College and are also not so sure about becoming a Free Church minister in the first place.   The result of this is that as we become increasingly desperate we will lower our standards and accept almost any Tom, Dick and Hamish.  I was once on the Training of the Ministry committee when it was seriously argued that the job of the ToM was just to check whether students had the academic ability to do the College course, and not whether they had the spiritual calling and gifts necessary for the work of the ministry.  Thankfully the Committee did not agree but that such a view could even be seriously expressed was for me then, and remains so now, profoundly disturbing.   

Furthermore we sometimes make it very difficult for men who want to join us from another church. Our procedures are so arcane, confused and based around a committee system which does not work that it is easy for one person (who may be jealous, afraid or just have their own personal issues) to foul up the system.  To be honest though it is more often just sheer incompetence which frustrates.  I have at least one friend who just eventually gave up in disgust.  We act as though it were the greatest privilege in the world to be allowed to join the Free Church and as a result make it difficult for the sane, sensible and gifted to join us.  It is almost easier for the unbalanced and less talented to join!

In my view the role of the minister in the Free Church is increasingly difficult (I know that other churches are facing similar problems but I do not feel qualified to comment on them).  Why do some of us get to the stage where we are prepared to chuck it all in, and others would, if they could think of anything else to do?

I once asked Joe Novenson, minister of Lookout Mountain Presbyterian Church near Chattanooga, how he was.  ‘Fine’ he replied, ‘Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic and Exhausted’.    That strikes me as a particularly apt acrostic for many of us today.  We are;

Frustrated –   We start of the ministry with high hopes.  We are fed a diet of how the ministry is ‘the highest calling’ and that we have a great privilege in being able to proclaim the eternal riches of the Word of God.  We have read of revivals and experienced ourselves the wonderful power of Gods Word, preached.   Of course we know that ‘there may be trouble ahead’ but we were never taught in the College nor warned about just how much trouble there would be. I would like to think that most of us enter the ministry with hopes of seeing congregations grow, people being converted, communities changed and the glory of God being experienced in our own as well as other people’s lives. We started off preaching with eternity in mind and have ended up thinking only of getting through the day.  We know all the ‘right’ answers – God’s Word will not return to Him void, the Gospel is still the Gospel and God is still Sovereign.  But if you have not seen anyone converted for years, if your members can’t raise a tear about those who are Hell bound but break into cold sweats at the thought of moving a table in the Church, if even your family is struggling to see the relevance of what you are preaching, then one can hardly be surprised that a sense of frustration creeps in. 

Another aspect of this sense of frustration for some of us is that we feel that we are being asked to make bricks without straw, or to mix metaphors,  to run with our legs tied together, or to box with one hand firmly strapped behind our backs. What do I mean by this?   Firstly although called to the ministry of the Word and prayer, in reality many of us are also called to be youth workers, administrators, counsellors, mini bus drivers, transport organisers, committee men, church officers, writers, clerks, politicians and cleaners.  Fine.  We know that in small congregations (and increasingly in larger ones) it is only right that we take our fair share of these things – but the notion that has become increasingly popular, that because we are the ‘paid employees’ of the Church somehow we are responsible for them all is grossly unfair.   

In fact we cannot live up to the expectations that our varied congregations have of us.  The traditionalists think we are there to maintain their traditions (not other people’s); the radicals think we are too traditional and want us to follow their new traditions; the liberals are theologically confused but for some reason like some aspects of the Church and want us cater for their particular tastes; the charismatics don’t understand why we don’t get it; the pietists are always bemoaning other people’s lack of spirituality (especially their ministers) and the legalists are always looking for the next war in the church to fight.   Sadly there are many situations where people have unrealistic expectations and are constantly making demands of the ministry which are unrealistic, unbiblical and depressing.   What depresses most is that they think that they are being spiritual in doing this and they do not realise that often they are translating their personal anger/angst and anxieties to the Church.  I once had a man threaten to walk out of a service in a foul temper because we said the Lord’s Prayer! Was the problem really concern for the ‘Purity of Worship’ (in which case all he had to do was read the Westminster Directory of Public Worship) or personal issues in his own life and at home, being transferred into the Church?  In all this and with many there is a depressing spirit of negativity.  Not in everyone but it only takes a couple of moaners to spread their attitude like a cancer and suck the spiritual life out of a congregation – thereby ensuring that their doom laden prophecies and misery are found to be correct.   Please note that there is a world of difference between the truth spoken in love and the censorious, biting negative, self-expressing moan.

Secondly there are restrictions placed upon us because of tradition (whether written or unwritten), local or national.  In the local situation there is always some dear brother or sister who wants to hold the whole church to ransom because of their feelings about what is right and wrong.  We have the bizarre situation of some of our people being the most socially liberal but ecclesiastically/liturgically conservative.   There is nothing wrong with tradition, providing it is biblical and contextualised to the current situation but when it is just an empty shell we are in deep trouble.  Likewise it is equally frustrating when the local situation is not allowed to develop because of the ‘tradition’ of the national church.   Again when that tradition is biblical and can be justified by necessity from the Bible then there is no problem.  But when you feel that the only reason we do something is because that is the way that we do it and if anyone changed it then some ‘people’ would be upset, it does become frustrating.  In fact I have grown to hate the ubiquitous ‘Someone’; as in ‘Someone’ will be upset or ‘Someone’ will do it.   It is only made worse when it is pluralised to ‘Some People’.    We thought we were in a church which is Reformed, semper reformanda (always reforming), and instead we have ended up in a fossilised structure where the only question is whether death is coming to come slowly by a process of ossification, or a coup de grace coming from the Lord’s judgement upon us. 

My own personal biggest frustration is this.  I believe that Scotland is more open to the Gospel now than it has been for decades.  I also believe that the Church in general and the Free Church in particular is less ready to proclaim and live the Gospel than it has been for many years.  Working in such a condition is like being in a desert with the water clearly visible, but you have a ball and chain clamped to your leg so that your progress towards it is substantially hindered.

Insecure – There are many reasons for the insecurity that some ministers feel.  For some our congregations are unsustainable and instead of growing are in the process of slow decline.  In such a situation just one family leaving can feel like a death blow.  In my view around half of Free Church ministers are being asked to minister in congregations which are in reality unsustainable.    Some of us are perhaps also insecure in our relationships, in our abilities and in our own walk with the Lord.

A second major reason for insecurity is financial.  I have been a minister for 21 years and currently am paid £17,500 per year.  My wife works part time and almost gets the same as me.  In no other profession with the level of experience and responsibility I have would I be paid such a wage.   This has been made much worse by a significant change in society (one that the Church has completely ignored).  Our society has moved away from ‘social housing’ and rented accommodation towards home ownership.  In order to have a home when one retires it is essential to get a foot on the property ladder.  But that is impossible on a Free Church ministers wage and thus the vast majority of my colleagues are in situations where they depend on their wives to supplement their incomes – indeed there is now an increasing trend whereby the wife is the main breadwinner in the home.  I may be old fashioned but I am deeply uneasy about this.  And of course many in congregations are not happy about minister’s wives working because they think (at least subconsciously) that they have employed two for the price of one.  There is an unofficial office in the Church of minister’s wife – she is expected to be a leader, a hospitality Queen and organiser of all things ‘feminine’.  For many wives the work/family/church balance is a very tricky tightrope to walk - little wonder that some fall off.  Incidentally this applies to Elders wives as well, who often have the same three fold balancing act to perform.  It should be no surprise that some end up resenting the Church and their husband’s role in it.   Of course it is essential that the Manse be a place of hospitality and that ministers wives be involved fully in the life of their congregations.   But the assumption that this is ‘what we pay you for’ is wrong.   ALL Christian homes are to be places of hospitality and ministry. 

Neurotic – Neurosis is described as ‘anxiety, phobias, obsessions or compulsions’. There are many things which can cause us to worry.  Like everyone else we live in a society which seems geared for stress.  Paul talks of constant pressures of caring for the churches. We are concerned about our own congregations, our families and our own spiritual well being.  Tim Keller in the March 2007 edition of the Redeemer newsletter has a brilliant article entitled “Ministry can be dangerous to your spiritual health’ in which he points out that there are particular dangers in the ministry.  We can rely on our spiritual gifts and the ‘buzz’ of ministry rather than spiritual fruit and being close to the Lord.   As Keller puts it, “Spiritual gifts without spiritual fruit is like a tire losing air… The ministry polarizes people. It makes them far better or far worse Christians than they would have been otherwise, but it will not leave you where you were! There are enormous pressures in the ministry on your integrity and character.”

Exhausted – Tied in with the other three is exhaustion. The fact that most of us do not engage in physical labour does not mean that we do not get physically exhausted.  Come Sunday evening I find myself physically drained.  I’m not sure why but the actual act of preaching often leaves one feeling exhausted.  Some ministers work ridiculous hours, others live reactive lives, just responding to the next emergency/crisis that comes along.  Others feel as though they are running to stand still whilst being the punch bag for the collective angst of the people they seek to minister to.   Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually there are ministers who are just plain tired.   I see this in so many ways.  It is not just seen in terms of ill health and physical exhaustion but also in emotional batterings and spiritual weariness.  Things which were once a source of inspiration and encouragement have become a drain.   Support mechanisms that are supposed to be in place seem more ineffective than ever.

Take for example Presbyteries.  There are many Free Church ministers who have given up on Presbyteries all together.  Some still play the game and think that we are making momentous decisions about the future of Scotland but most of us have come to see Presbytery as an administrative court of the Church which we need to go to but is relatively meaningless in our lives.  And so some stay away (despite their ordination vows), others treat it like the dentist (a necessary evil which has to be gone to, although less essential) and some are just plain cynical.   Free Church presbyteries are not functioning as the radical courts of the church, they are not generally a good support system (although there are honourable exceptions to this) and at least two are what I would call models in disfunctionality. 

And the General Assembly is not much better.  It is more and more meaningless – bound by a refusal to recognise the change in the Church’s circumstances and handing all power over to a committee structure which is inefficient and geared towards immobilisation, maintenance and stagnation.   When even the Edinburgh presbytery cannot get enough elders to go to the Assembly surely everyone can wake up and smell the coffee?   It is little wonder that with the main structures of the church failing so spectacularly many ministers retreat into a kind of congregationalism,’ you in your small corner and I in mine’.  It is the only way to survive.  Put your head above the parapet and you are in danger of being shot at.   We are not a church that encourages reform, revival or renewal.  We can talk (boy, can we talk!) but any threat of action and it is immediately shunted off to a study panel for a couple of years and, by the time it has gone through the various hoops, the proponents of change have usually become so exhausted that they no longer have the energy or the stomach to see things through.  We are stuck between the two rocks of ‘Someone will do it’ and ‘nothing will get done’.

Ok.  Enough.   Surely it is clear that with a shortage of ministers, a lack of new recruits and many currently in the ministry facing the pressures I have described above, there is at the very least a crisis of confidence in the Free Church ministry.  But what can be done about it?   I have plenty of minor suggestions that might help improve things – better training, better pay, more realistic expectations, more team ministries, etc.   However I believe that there are two core issues – two things that we need to do more than anything.  We need to repent and believe the Gospel.   All of us.  Ministers, elders, members, congregations and insofar as a denomination can, the whole Free Church. 

But why do we need to repent?  The Free Church is an evangelical Church which is founded upon the Word of God.  Surely repentance is a given?  No, it is not.  Repentance is something that we have to do frequently.  We need to repent of our self reliance, our ‘last stronghold of the pure gospel’ pride and our inability to face up to our own weakness.  We also need to repent of the ways that we have let the Lord down, how we have been all too quick to take the speck out of our brother’s eye whilst leaving the plank firmly implanted in our own.  We need to repent that whilst we have been content to at best ‘maintain’ the Church and our own position and at worst to trivialise the Gospel so that to the outside world it looks as though we are a fractious, self serving and legalistic bunch; the vast majority of Scotland has been walking blindfold into hell.  Where is the passion for the lost?  Where is the zeal, the love and the fire?   Would anyone of us dare suggest that repentance is for others and not for ourselves?

But what about belief?  Do we not all at least believe?  Well, yes – at least to some degree.  The trouble is that our belief can become a dead belief rather than a living faith in a living Lord who is really in practice the King and Head of the Church.  Is that not why our prayer is so pathetic?  We do not have because we do not ask.   We do not expect the changes that the Gospel brings because we have largely lost faith in the power of the Gospel.  Do we really expect the Church to grow by the poor, the marginalised and the outcasts being converted?  Or are we looking for a ready made Christian family to move into our area and join our Church?  Is it not the case that we see the primary means of church growth as being to attract those who are already believers?  And is that not why we get so frustrated?  We cannot do lots of things we would like to do because Someone will be upset and might leave our already small congregation.  Perhaps we forget that in the cause of the Gospel there are ‘blessed subtractions’ – they sometimes lead to ‘blessed additions’.    This is not to argue for insensitivity, arrogance or intolerance.  It is to say that our primary focus should be the Gospel, and our eyes should first of all be upon the Lord, not our own status nor what other people think of us.

And in the midst of the storm we really do need to look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.   Jesus himself was FINE.  He was frustrated at the ineptitude, infighting and lack of understanding of the disciples - ‘could you not watch with me for even one hour’?  He was insecure - at least in that he had no place to lay his head, little money and no friends who would ultimately stick by him.  But did Christ not have the security of knowing that his Father loved him?  Yes – at least until the Cross where the greatest cry of insecurity ever made was uttered -  ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?’   Jesus was neurotic – at least in terms of being anxious and feeling the strains and pressures placed upon him.  Why else in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prepared to go to the cross did he plead with the Father to take the cup from him, and why else as he wrestled in prayer did he sweat, as it were, great drops of blood?    And Christ was exhausted.  In fact he was so tired that he could even sleep in a boat as it was going through a violent storm that threatened to sink it and kill him!  

Yes – Jesus was tempted in every way just as we are.  He learned obedience from what he suffered.  And when I come to the foot of the Cross how can I complain and moan about my temporary and passing troubles?  These last but a moment whereas the glory that will be revealed will last forever.   The antidote to pride and to a complaining spirit is to look to Christ and to contemplate the Cross.

“When I survey the wondrous Cross,

On which the Prince of Glory died.

My richest gain I count but loss,

And pour contempt on all my pride”

But that is not the end of the story.  As well as being fully human Jesus is also fully God.  And God is never frustrated.  His will will always be done.  His word will never return to him empty but will accomplish that which he sent it to do.  Belief in the Sovereignty of God is a fundamental to a Christian’s well being.  I may get frustrated; God, never.   And God is never insecure.  Within the fellowship of the Trinity there is blessed communion and love.  There is never the insecurity of fear, or loss, or weakness.   And we can be secure in God.  We stand on the rock.  We are raised to the heavenlies.  We are filled with the Spirit. We are in Christ and therefore are treated as sons, not slaves.  We have the ultimate secure relationship in Jesus.  Ironically that gives the basis for coping with our other insecure relationships because they do not become primarily about us.  We can love because we are loved.  We can forgive because we are forgiven. Absolutely. Unconditionally.  Totally and Forever.  Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God is not neurotic.  He does not worry about what will happen, or what people think of him, or what he will wear, eat or drink.  He does not need us to love him or to obey him.   God does not need anything.  He gives everything. And he wants us.  He is our Father.  And so we too need not worry about tomorrow.  We need not worry about what we will eat or drink, or what others think of us, or whether ‘the church’ will be pleased with us, or who will desert us next.  We seek first his kingdom, and his righteousness and all these things will be added to us.  Again, if we are in Christ, that should be a basis for dealing with our worries and cares.  We cast all our burdens upon him because he cares for us.

God is not exhausted.  He is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  No matter how many times we draw from his supplies they never run out.  No matter how many times we drink from the well of God’s goodness it never runs dry.  The chequebook of the Bank of Faith has unlimited resources to call upon.  Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 

Can you not see that the first thing we need to do is preach the Gospel to ourselves and to repent of our unbelief?  The first part of what I wrote above is so depressing that many people in the Church do not want to face up to it.  They will argue, ‘oh that’s just David on a downer, the Free Church is not that bad, look at all the good things’.  They will get very defensive and speak about the Church they love etc.  Well, I love the Free Church and I have served in it for 21 years.  It would break my heart to see the Free Church destroyed.  To be honest it breaks my heart now – because I am watching it go down the tubes and yet when you say so you are treated like the boy who cries wolf too often, or the melodramatic idiot who does not realise that ‘everything will be all right in the end’.  I hate being a prophet of doom and yet I hate unreality even more.   Although I love the Free Church I confess that I love Scotland more and I love the Lord more.  If we are failing to glorify Christ and to bring the Gospel to the people of Scotland then the quicker we go away the better.   As Chalmers so brilliantly put it; “Who cares for the Free Church, compared with the Christian good of Scotland?” Not me.   Would that we had the spirit of Knox, “Give me Scotland, or I die”!

And I am not on a downer.   Yes I have experienced and expect to experience again the full extent of being FINE.  But I am actually an optimist by nature and in general am usually very encouraged.  In fact there is another FINE. To some extent all Christians are schizophrenic – or at least live with two persons!  

Forgiven:  I am Forgiven – what a wonder thing that is.  The burden, the guilt, the power and the sting of sin have all been taken away.  God regards me as his son.  Fantastic!

Inspired: I am also Inspired – there is so much that inspires – the beauty of God in the creation, answers to prayer, the wonderful truths of the Bible and the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes I feel so inspired that I just sit down and write in order to try and capture something of it.  For example I have been sitting writing this for four hours without a break.  I am not claiming divine inspiration but sometimes God so gets hold of you that you feel like you want to burst. 

New: I am New.  Not only are God’s mercies new every morning but he renews his people daily.  Though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  It is a great thing to experience times of refreshing and renewal, especially when you have been in the desert for a while. I think of that in congregational terms as well – the Lord sometimes lets us wander through barren and difficult times but after the night comes morning.  God’s renewing light and grace is always promised.  Personally if St Peters were not renewed at least once every five years I would find it difficult to continue.  That’s why I cannot understand people who want to stand still and stick in the old ways (even when those old ways are only a few years old).  If we are to be renewed then it is to be continual renewal.

Energised -   And I am Energised.  Paul talks about the energy of Christ working powerfully through him.  Sometimes I have felt that – like Eric Liddell claiming that when he was running he felt God’s pleasure.  It’s true that often the weariness and the exhaustion takes over but sometimes there is just the sheer exhilaration of God giving you energy and working through you.  It would be impossible to continue as a minister if that were not the case.  So, yes, I am FINE – thanks for asking.

And again it is not just about ‘me’. We are in this together. Part of the reason for being FINE in the good sense of the word is that I am not alone. I have brothers and sisters in the Church who, because they are forgiven, inspired, renewed and energized, feed me and help me. I am after all part of a body. No Christian is an isolated self contained unit – we belong to one another. That is why real fellowship is so important. I have just returned from the Twin Lakes Fellowship in the US which was a time of real edification, building up and blessing. We knew that we would need it but perhaps none more so that two of the brothers who went back to their home in Virginia to be faced with a massacre in their own town and their own University. When we have fellowship together on the Lord’s Day or whenever else we gather we need to bear in mind that none of us know what will face us in the days ahead and how much we will need to draw from the riches of our fellowship with one another and with Christ. There are men in the Free Church ministry who are more than just colleagues – they are friends and brothers who support, sustain and help one another (the best part of our presbytery is when we go out for a meal and get the ‘crack’). And despite the frustrations I mentioned earlier that most ministers face in their congregations (and doubtless congregations face with their ministers) I also rejoice that in my own congregation there are those who feed, lead, encourage, work, rejoice, care, serve and love. When the Bride of Christ is connected in love and working well there is nothing finer and lovelier. When it is not I doubt there is anything uglier! All of us work with this mix of beauty and ugliness, internally and externally – may the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us and reflected in us.

In St Peters we have many good things happening just now as well as all the problems of growth and sin.  And I know of other areas in the Free Church where there is cause for great rejoicing (although we are actually very good at making a few wee ‘put downs’ just to keep those who are being blessed humble and ourselves justified).  But what my personality is or my personal circumstances are, is irrelevant. The Gospel is always relevant.  We are far worse than we think we are, and far more loved than we could ever imagine we could be.   The Free Church is worse than the picture I have portrayed.  And unless you recognise that then you are going to be bitterly disappointed.   Is it not time that we were more realistic in our assessments, both public and private?   I remember being at a Free church where someone felt constrained to point out that in a bout of self-congratulation, the church was not being realistic in its self-assessment.  It was the nearest thing I have come across to the ‘we are rich and have need of nothing’ approach.  We do not need to encourage ourselves by deceiving ourselves.  That kind of encouragement becomes sickening.  Indeed at that particular meeting the speaker was approached by a couple of elderly ladies with a determined glint in their eyes.  He thought they were going to really give him what for – but instead they thanked him and said that all the sycophantic nonsense was making them feel sick (I paraphrase slightly!).   And that is what the Lord says.  Our lukewarm Laodicean spirit makes him feel sick.  We are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. Could someone please stand up at the General Assembly and get us to admit that?  Can we please stop pretending? 

It is only when we recognise this that we can then see our great hope in the beauty of the Lord.  We are far more loved than we ever can imagine we could be.  No eye has seen, no ear has heard what God has prepared for those who love him.  In the midst of discouragement and having our eyes opened to the pathetic state we are in, there are also moments of almost ecstatic joy – as we see the Lord, high and lifted up.  As we behold Jesus.  What love is this?

And can it be that I should gain, an interest in the Saviours blood?

Died he for me, who caused his pain, for him who him to death pursued.

Amazing love!  How can it be? 

That thou my God shouldst die for me?

That’s why he died for us.  To make us blessed, strong, rich, clothed and give us sight. And he died to give us his Spirit.  We can do nothing without him.  Surely it is time for us to stop playing games and to seek the Lord whilst he may be found.  Time is short.  If we want the candlestick of the Free Church to remain in Scotland, indeed it may be the case that if we want the church to remain in Scotland, then we are the ones who must be earnest and repent.   And let our repentance be demonstrated by our actions.

“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.  So be earnest and repent.  Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me”.  This is the Word of the Lord.